Marriage Monday - For Fathers

It's not June, Father's Day is still five or so months away, but a few things have caught my attention and I wanted to share.

First, one of my favorite Family Circus cartoons - I don't have a link to it, so this will require your imagination (remember that little thing we used before google!!)
The mom and dad are hugging by the door and the young son is holding his mitt and says, "Are you gonna' hug her all day or can we go to the game?"

I don't even know why I liked it so much, except for the belief I have that every child deserves a dad and a mom that that hug each other. One of my earliest memories I have is of the year I started Kindergarten, my father would come home for lunch and he and my mom would hug in the doorway. I'd run and hug their legs before I'd leave for school.

Not much of a memory, I know, but the feeling --oh the feeling, happiness, warmth, peace, security and sweetness all rolled up into one little moment.

Imagine my surprise when our youngest began hugging our legs every time my husband and I shared a hug. It's gotten to the point where when we hug, it is like a magnet, or beacon, or we emit some sort of homing signal. She comes running from wherever she is in the house, I don't even know how she knows. And if we break before she reaches us, she pulls us back together so she can get in on the hug. Sweetness!

So enjoy these little links. The first is a video, the second is an article-but it's short and well worth the read!

Tribute to Fathers

Article-Three Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married

Marriage Monday - Conference Quote

More book reviews are on the way, but I wanted to share this from General Conference. It is a serious and sobering reminder of the importance of the marriage relationship. As you've heard me say before, it is worth the effort!

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, General Conference October 6,2012, said this about marriage in his talk about protecting children (emphasis added): 

"There are few examples of physical or emotional threats to children as important as those arising out of their relationships with their parents or guardians. Of utmost importance to the well-being of children is whether their parents were married, the nature and duration of the marriage, and, more broadly, the culture and expectations of marriage and child care where they live.

The most powerful teaching of children is by the example of their parents. Divorcing parents inevitably teach a negative lesson. There are surely cases when a divorce is necessary for the good of the children, but those circumstances are exceptional. In most marital contests the contending parents should give much greater weight to the interests of the children. With the help of the Lord, they can do so.

Children are also victimized by marriages that do not occur. Few measures of the welfare of our rising generation are more disturbing than the recent report that 41 percent of all births in the United States were to women who were not married. Most of the children born to unmarried mothers—58 percent—were born to couples who were cohabitating. Whatever we may say about these couples’ foregoing marriage, studies show that their children suffer significant comparative disadvantages. For children, the relative stability of marriage matters.

We should assume the same disadvantages for children raised by couples of the same gender. The social science literature is controversial and politically charged on the long-term effect of this on children, principally because, as a New York Times writer observed, “[s]ame-sex marriage is a social experiment, and like most experiments it will take time to understand its consequences.”

We are speaking of the children of God, and with His powerful help we can do more to help them. In this plea I address not only Latter-day Saints, but also all persons of religious faith and others who have a value system that causes them to subordinate their own needs to those of others, especially to the welfare of children.

Religious persons are also conscious of the Savior’s New Testament teaching that pure little children are our role models of humility and teachableness.

“Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

“Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3-4)."

***

You can watch the entire talk at the 1 hr 34 min mark 
Elder Oaks General Conference October 2012

Marriage Book Review - Strangling Your Husband is NOT an Option

Reading this book is like having a conversation with your big sister, who happens to have a fantastic sense of humor and a strong handle on marriage relationships. Her approach is bold, direct and refreshing. Especially in a world where there is little support for one of a woman's most fulfilling roles.



The Visual Aid:

Title: Strangling Your Husband is NOT an Option
Author: Merrilee Boyack

Publisher: Deseret Book

Year: 2006

How I found it: Saw it on the shelf and laughed out loud!

Available on Amazon - Here

Audience: This book is written for women, specifically wives. 

Paperback, 184 pages

                

      

Book Description:

"Things can get pretty crazy in marital relationships. As one reviewer has said, “What wife hasn’t felt like strangling her husband at least once during their marriage?” With her lighthearted personality and humor, author Merrilee Boyack shares twenty-five years’ worth of marital perspective in this practical guide to improve any marriage. As an estate-planning attorney, Merrilee has dealt with many struggling couples going through divorce. (Seven-year marriages seem to have the greatest challenges.) She offers practical tips for women who want to better understand men (particularly their husbands) and build happier marriages. She invites women to dump the guilt, be open enough to learn about areas they’d like to improve, and then take the steps to make those changes. Readers will also find a wealth of fun and practical advice in chapters like “The Five ‘Don’ts’ and Five ‘Do’s’ of Wifehood,” “But How Do I Change My Husband?” and “No, Really, How Can I Change Him?”

The Gist & What I appreciate:

This is how to be a wife 101, 202 and 303 combined. Don't roll your eyes. It's not what you think. In fact, Merrilee makes you think about how you treat your husband. What I appreciate is that she is anti husband-bashing! I think our culture has developed a sad tolerance of the mistreatment of men by various kinds of unhappy women. She holds wives to the standard of treatment we expect from our husbands.

     

Quote from page 18:

                "A great gift we can give our husbands is to be content and not make stuff more important than them. We can focus on living modestly and being appreciative of the life they provide for us." Later on page 19 she says, "Walk through your house with the eyes of an orphan. We live in opulence."

Quote from page 27:

              ". . . Start meeting your own emotional needs."

Quote from page 46:
             "Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Write at the top "Great Things about My Husband. Now start to write a list. Write down the way he holds your hand. . . Write down that he took care of the whole house when you came down with the stomach flu.Write down how he looked across the altar when you were married." Later on page 47, "Value your husband. Value him deeply. In fact, get a "Why I Love My Husband" book and write down every day some little thing that's wonderful about him or something nice he did. It will transform your marriage. It will transform you."

My two cents:
            I enjoy the humor she applies to everyday life. Don't be fooled, though. One minute you're chuckling and the next you may be squirming as she calls you out on socially acceptable behavior that you know isn't good for your marriage. (See page 9, "Well, if I was your husband, I wouldn't talk to you either.")
           This is easy to read, maybe harder to absorb, but well worth the effort. It's not all do's and don'ts - she has chapters for self-development and being a 'fun-living wife,' with lots of great ideas and practical, usable advice.

                

Up Next:
           Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service by Jeanette Goates Smith (unless I feel like re-reading something else this week :)

( Dear FTC, I bought the book. I know I buy a lot of books. At least this one was on sale, but I'd buy it again even if it wasn't. )

Love Languages on Marriage Monday

Have you read this book? As a New York Times Bestseller, chances are you have. Or you've at least heard about it. Sometimes when a book has been around for awhile and gotten lots of recognition, some of what makes it great gets lost in the hype. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed re-reading it for this review. Another reason I enjoyed it is because in the sea of marriage-advice books, this one is like a lighthouse that can guide a couple to less rocky shores. Of course, no one book is a 'cure-all' but this one has my endorsement as a worthwhile read.

If you want to know what love language you speak, take the online test without the book here : www.fivelovelanguages.com

(This post also appears at Making Marriage Merry - an awesome marriage blog! Check it out!)

The Visual Aid:

The Five Love Languages

Title: The Five Love Languages
Author: Gary Chapman

Publisher: Northfield Publishing

Year: 1992

How I found it: Heard about it from a friend.

Available on Amazon - Click on title link above

Audience: Married Couples (of course it has application for pre-married, post-married folks, too.)

Paperback, 191 pages

                

      "WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tank is full." p.24

      

Book Description:

"Marriage should be based on love, right? But does it seem as though you and your spouse are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other. Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together."

The Gist & What I appreciate:

We all have a primary love language (one of five). We need to learn our spouse's language and choose to speak it--if we want to 'keep the love alive.' Those five languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.

Gary Chapman speaks from years of research and practical experience. He distills this into easily digestible chapters that have direct application to everyday married life. I appreciate the concept that we learn and speak a love language and that we can't assume everyone 'speaks' as we do.
This takes some of the mystery, and exasperation, out of a relationship and replaces it with a satisfying, efficient way to show love.

     

Quote from Chapter Three, page 37:

                "Where are the shooting stars, the balloons, the deep emotions? What about the spirit of anticipation, the twinkle in the eye, the electricity of a kiss, the excitement of --x? What about the emotional security of knowing that I am number one in his/her mind" That is what this book is all about. How do we meet each other's deep, emotional need to feel loved? If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated."

 Quote from Chapter Ten, page 181:

               "Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today.

My two cents:

                What else can I say? READ the book! 

               Okay, maybe to add that I vote for a "Marriage Language Training Center" where husbands and wives can enroll in multi-language courses. I know we have a primary love language, but I can't help thinking that the more love languages we speak, the more fun and variety there is in a relationship!

                I've also wondered if we have differing love language needs over the course of years, or if we can be shaped by different relationships?

Up Next:
           Strangling Your Husband Is NOT an Option/Merrilee Boyack

( Dear FTC, because I know you care, I bough the book all by myself. )

Marriage Monday

I'm still working on my next marriage book review. In the meantime, enjoy this blog post by Dr. Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.

According to his research, if we plan to stay married for a lot of years (as in all of them), we need to throw out the scorecard! I couldn't agree more.

If you take the time to read his article, please tell me what you think.

"For long-term success, couples have to orient themselves to giving more than they get. Both individuals are contributing to a relationship, the benefits of which transcend immediate interests on a given day. What couples must avoid -- if they wish to remain together as long as the elders we interviewed -- is keeping score about who is getting more and who is getting less. This kind of economic attitude works with a vending machine: If I put in my dollar, I will get a candy bar of equal value. According to the oldest Americans, this definitely does not work in marriage."  (emphasis added)

50/50 Marriage Myth

Marriage Book Review Monday - With a little help from my friends!

Another Monday - so you know what that means? Another marriage book review!

For today I have links. This first is to Bloggin' 'Bout Books. (If you haven't checked out and this blog - hop on over. Great reviews of lots of books.) This link is for her review of a new LDS book:

Real Intimacy - Hodson/Worthington/Harrison

(I haven't read the book yet, but I really appreciate Susan's review of this book that tackles more serious/sensitive marital issues.)

This link is not a book review, but an article from Meridian Magazine that I came across (because you know, if it is about marriage . . . I'm gonna read it :)

The Sacred Gift of Relationships: Is Disillusionment the Enemy?

Hmm...this article made me think. In fact I'm still thinking. (Don't want to scare anyone!) I may post a response/discussion to it. But for now, enjoy. 

And tell me what you think.

Marriage Book Review Monday

Have you ever noticed there are a lot of marriage books out there?

It took me a while to figure out I loved reading books on the subject. (Someone may have pointed out to me I might be a marriage book junkie :) I've decided to dedicate Mondays on the blog to marriage book reviews. Why? For the fun of it, or maybe I think happy marriages are important, possible and worth the work! Or maybe I miss doing book reports in school. . .

(This post also appears at Making Marriage Merry - an awesome marriage blog! Check it out!)

For Starters:

Title: Teens, Temple Marriage & Eternity

Author: Allan K. Burgess

Publisher: Deseret Book

Year: 1988

How I found it: Christmas Gift

Available on Amazon: Here

Audience: LDS teens and their parents, great for youth leaders, too.

Hardcover, 105 pages

                

This little gem of a book is an easy read. The writing is straightforward and organized into concise chapters with summaries. Burgess draws on experience as a Seminary teacher and counselor, as well as teachings of latter day prophets and general authorities.

I received this as a Christmas gift as a teenager. I think it was the first "marriage" book I’d ever read. I was 14 and of course, I hadn’t met my future husband and though I wouldn’t be married for years to come, I read the book within a day. What can I say? I’ve been fascinated by marriage for a long time. Time and experience has only increased my interest in, as well as my deep appreciation for, the gift of marriage.

               

From the front flap:

“Why should I get married in the temple?” “What happens when I go to the temple for the first time?” “Why are the covenants made there so important?” . . . Allan K. Burgess, a seminary teacher with considerable experience in counseling teenagers and young adults, answers these questions and puts to rest some of the myths and concerns you may have about the temple. Besides learning how to prepare for your first visit to the temple and what to expect from it, you will also learn the importance of the covenants you make and the rich blessings in store for you if you honor those covenants.”

What I appreciate:

The concept he teaches about the difference between a temple wedding and a celestial marriage. The wedding is an event that takes place during one day and ends. The marriage can last a lifetime and for eternity if it is celestial. It is a process that requires two people motivated to keep their covenants.

        This idea might have been the most beneficial for me to learn as a young woman. Our youth are taught much about planning to marry in the temple, and rightly so, but sometimes the focus can be on the event of the wedding instead of the covenants or the quality of the marriage relationship after the wedding day.

     

Quote from Chapter Two, page 25:

                “Many young people labor and live under false notions, feeling that a marriage contract , and especially if it is a temple marriage, solves all the problems; and many people further think that marriage is a sort of perpetual motion program. Once set in motion by a marriage ceremony, it will never run down. I want to tell you that there are no marriages that can ever be happy ones unless two people work at it.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 307.)

 Quote from Chapter Six, page 60:

                “He helped her kneel at the altar, and then he walked around to the other side of the altar where he knelt across from her. As their eyes met, I noticed tears. . . .  You could both see and feel the joy that they felt at that moment.”

My two cents:

                Great read for teens and their parents.  Keep in mind the book was published before the digital revolution – so no advice regarding the internet, facebook, etc. Also, he discusses temple worthiness and uses a number of real life stories (names changed, of course) that include serious topics-therefore probably best suited for mature teens.

Up Next Week:
           The Five Love Languages/Gary Chapman