More Than Moods: What's a Mom and Dad to Do?

WHAT'S A MOM AND DAD TO DO?

Parenting Tips for the Modern Family

(Zhuk, Adobe Stock)

The first post in this series discussed parenting style—how the attitude and approach of mothers and fathers can affect their children. 

This post will highlight two important factors in parenting specific to children: their development and temperament.

More than Moods

(Tostphoto, Adobe Stock)

DEVELOPMENT

Any parent with a child at least six months old can tell you that as soon as you think you have figured out your baby, or overcome a problem, or finally have a good routine, they grow into the next stage seemingly overnight. Keeping pace with your child’s development is both exciting and challenging. Dr. Laurence Steinberg taught it this way: “As your child grows and matures, her abilities, concerns, and needs change. Your parenting needs to change over time, too” (65).

(Soupstock, Adobe Stock)

·         “First, when your child develops from one stage to the next, he is changing on the inside as well as the outside”(66-68).Development includes changes in all areas—physical, emotional, intellectual, as well as social.

·         “Second, the stages of psychological development that children go through are reasonably predictable”(66-68). Some parents spend time learning about the development of their infant, but stop there. Learning about each stage from toddler to teen can provide preparation for and insight into what is happening with your child.

·         “Third, neither you nor your child can control the nature or pace of her psychological development any more than you or she can control the nature or pace of her physical development. Development unfolds more or less on its own timetable. You can't rush a child through a particular psychological phase any more than you can force your child to stop crawling and start walking" (66-68).

·         “Fourth, the same forces that are changing your child for the better as he develops are usually contributing to the parenting challenges associated with that period.” The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say no all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained. The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your thirteen-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom is also making her argumentative at the dinner table. Oppositionalism is bothersome, and argumentativeness is tiresome, but both are signs that your child is developing. That's something to be happy about” (66-68).

An Important Point about Parenting and Your Child’s Development

Does it show weakness to change your parenting practices based on your child’s stage of life? No, it doesn't. You can still follow sound principles, but it’s completely appropriate to adapt and adjust your practices based on your child’s needs.

TEMPERAMENT

(Booleen, Adobe Stock)

Another important aspect to understand about your child is their personality. The research shows what many parents of multiple children have learned: babies are born with an identifiable disposition or temperament.

(Booleen, Adobe Stock)

“All children come into the world with an inborn temperament that influences how active they are, how easily they become frustrated or distressed, and how well they adapt to change. Your child's innate disposition influences the way he responds to virtually everything he encounters.”

“A wary child can't help being wary, nor can an active child help being active or a fearful one help being fearful. Your child's temperament is not under his control” (Steinberg, 71)

(Booleen, Adobe Stock)

   

“The most important thing ... is that if you have a child with a difficult temperament, you will need to allow extra time when she is facing any sort of change or unfamiliar situation. ... whether your child is especially fearful, ... shy, or especially irritable, or any combination of the three. Any of these characteristics require that you take extra time to help her adapt to something new, such as a new caregiver, a new school, a new house, or a new schedule.... You're going to have to be patient while she adjusts (Steinberg, 71-72).

Ten Temperament Traits

From the Center for Parenting Education

Based on a thirty-year study begun in 1956, temperament explains why some children are very easy-going while others tend to be more challenging for parents. Child development research has identified 10 temperament traits that everyone exhibits to some extent. They are:

1. Intensity 

• Does your child show happiness or frustration strongly and dramatically? Or does your child express those feelings mildly?

2. Activity Level 

•  Is it hard to read a book with your child because he is always on the go? Or, does your child prefer sedentary quiet activities?

3. Regularity 

• Does your child eat and sleep at predictable times? Or, is your child unpredictable in terms of eating and sleeping schedules?

4. Quality of Mood 

• Is your child generally in a happy mood? Or, does your child seem more serious?

5. Emotional Sensitivity 

• Does your child react strongly to his own or other’s feelings and emotions? Or does your child seem unaware of how he or others are feeling?

6. Sensory Sensitivity 

• Does your child react positively or negatively to sounds, tastes, and textures?

7. Adaptability 

• Does your child have difficulty with changes in routines, or with transitions from one activity to another? Or does your child handle them smoothly?

8. Approach/Withdrawal 

• Does your child easily approach new situations or people? Or does your child seem to hold back when faced with new situations, people or things?

9. Distractibility 

• Is your child easily sidetracked when trying to do chores or homework? Or, does your child stay on task?

10. Persistence 

• Does your child react strongly when told “no” to something? Does your child have a hard time letting ideas go? Or does your child seem to give up without trying their hardest

 

Why is Knowing this Important?

• You can meet their needs because you understand them better.
• You can help your child manage their reactions. 
• You can see the positive aspects of their traits. "Stubborn" can be "persistent."
• You can appreciate that some "difficult" qualities may be what they need as adults.
• Working with your child can create a more positive relationship.

 (Adapted from The Center for Parenting Education)

So, what’s a mom or dad to do?

The more you learn about your child’s development and temperament, the better equipped you will be to meet his or her needs. Keep learning as they grow. Allowing extra time for a child that doesn’t adapt well to new situations, accommodating your child’s activity level, and understanding your child’s degree of persistence are all ways to work with, and not against, your child’s disposition.

(Passey, tl;dr)

Navigate the Series

First Post - Parenting Styles

Third Post - Lies and Punishment

Series Introduction

References:

Booleen. Child in a bad mood. [Photo]. Retrieved from https://stock.adobe.com/images.

Booleen. Child Shock. [Photo]. Retrieved from https://stock.adobe.com/images.

Booleen. Smiling Boy. [Photo]. Retrieved from https://stock.adobe.com/images.

Passey, T. (2020) tl;dr. [Graphic].

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Temperament Overview. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/temperament-overview/

Tostphoto. Love and Happiness Emoticon. Retrieved from https://stock.adobe.com/images.

Soupstock. Boy growing from age three to eleven. [Photo]. Retrieved from https://stock.adobe.com/images.

Zhuk, A. Happy Young Family. [Photo]. Retrieved from https://stock.adobe.com/images.

Resources: 

Here is a great Rating Scale and more information for learning about your child’s temperament: https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/temperament-rating-scales/

·