F A M I L Y M A T T E R S

"To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there." ~ Barbara Bush

(Nattakorn, Adobe Stock)

Because human beings have the unique ability to care, empathize, and be loyal to each other, we can listen and communicate with complexity. In short, we can love each other.

Families are the laboratory for love and require our most dedicated efforts. We don't give up on anyone, including ourselves.

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"I've learned through the years that it's not where you live, it's the people who surround you that make you feel at home." ~ J.B. McGee

(tynyuk, Adobe Stock)

Maslow's pyramid is a motivational model that suggests humans have an order of needs. If you'll forgive the oversimplified summary of his theory, we need food and shelter, safety, love, then accomplishment and ultimately self-actualization. His focus is on the individual, their needs, and their ability to realize their potential. However, the psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner, after studying child development determined no one develops in isolation. He developed the Ecological Systems Theory that examines multiple spheres of influence in a child's life.

(Andrii Zastrozhnov, Adobe Stock)

What did he think about the family?

Bronfenbrenner said, "The family is the most powerful, the most humane, and by far the most economical system known for building competence and character."

For more information and cool graphics about The Ecological Systems Theory

check out SimplyPsychology.org

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"Family is not an important thing. It's everything." ~ Michael J. Fox

(Doidam, Adobe Stock)

On a family camping trip one year, our humble minivan got stuck in the mud. It was mud we couldn't see and didn't know was there. It had rained a day or two before we'd arrived at the campground, but everything seemed dry. The parking area wasn't an official lot, but more like a flattened grassy patch for cars, but it was at the bottom of an incline. We were anxious to set up our tent before sundown, so we parked and didn't think about our van again until it was time to leave. That's when we discovered the one of the front tires wasn't level like the other three. A few attempts to back out failed--we were mired in mud.

But we were also anxious to get home. So, everyone helped. All but the driver hopped out. The rest of us pushed and, thankfully, that was all it took. It didn't take crazy amounts of strength, and there weren't any near-death heroics (though some cleanliness-loving family members consider mud life threatening), but it did take everyone's cooperation.

(Nadezhda, Adobe Stock)

When families have a shared goal and members are willing to do their part, they can accomplish amazing things. Not just getting themselves out of a mud-patch at the bottom of hill, but they can help each member grow, develop, and realize their potential.

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"Home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see is what is not there anymore." - Robin Hobb

(Halfpoint, Adobe Stock)

The house where my parents raised seven children recently went up for sale. Though its been over fifteen years since anyone in the family has lived there, I still think of it as home. My sister sent me the real estate listing link of 'our house,' and we talked by phone as we both scrolled through the pictures. It was empty, and it had been remodeled. We noticed the updated wood floors and new appliances, the deck added to the back of the house, and bedrooms repainted in bold colors, but we didn't talk about any of that for more than a few minutes. We spent our time remembering. "I can still see Dad coming through the front door and Mom stepping around the counter and popping her head into the hall to greet him," my sister said. "Yes, and I can remember when they bought the kitchen table that had picnic style benches so we could all fit around it," I shared. On we went, reminiscing about the kitchen where we learned to bake cookies, the yard where we constructed a snow fort and igloo, the garden Dad loved, and our mom's favorite spot to read. None if this is to say that our family was perfect or that life unfolded smoothly under our feet--no, with as many as nine people in a three-bedroom, one-bath house, there were a few bumps in the road. But we shared a lot of love. My parents worked hard, sacrificed, and lived their faith with conviction. That love and legacy might have occurred within the walls of a house, but it lives on in the hearts of their children.

"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a [child]." ~ Forest Witcraft

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"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it."

~ George Moore

(Pict Rider, Adobe Stock)

The world has a lot to offer. Stunning views from mountain heights, exotic birdsongs from the jungle, and mouthwatering flavors from bazars and bakeries awaken our senses. Yet, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home. Why is that? Home provides belonging, secure attachment, safety, and love. Yes, to love and be loved is a gift and a blessing that satisfies and enriches our souls in a way nothing else can. It's why our songs and stories are filled with love in all it's glory. Sometimes tragic and painful, sometimes strong heroic, always sought after.

While marriage is debated by legislators and philosopher's alike, I offer three perspectives to the debate--from faith, science, and personal experience. The first is an insight from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German theologian imprisoned for opposing the Nazi regime, offered to his niece before her wedding, as quoted by Todd D. Christofferson:

“Marriage is more than your love for each other. … In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to his glory . . . . In your love you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal—it is a status, an office . . . love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God.”

Research studies abound regarding parenting and how children fare. This study shows how important marriage is as a "link in the generations" and how crucial husbands and wives are in their "post of responsibility" toward their children.

Benefits to Children of Married Parents

Finally, a husband's work trip took an unexpected turn.

It was 2001. My husband had been traveling for work. He was scheduled to fly out of Boston Logan airport on the morning of 9/11. My friend called and asked if I'd seen the news. I turned on the TV and watched the footage of the second plane colliding with one of the twin towers. The news would not release the destination of the planes involved, only that two had departed from Logan airport. I couldn't reach my husband. As the hours wore on, one of our credit card companies called and asked for my husband. To put it mildly, I was an emotional wreck and blubbered something about 'hadn't they seen the news' and 'I don't know when my husband is coming home.' It was 3 pm before he was able to call. All flights had been grounded before he and a co-worker could board. He was stranded, but alive. The next day, they rented one of the last available cars and began their cross-country adventure. Somewhere in the middle of Kansas, in the pouring rain, my husband called and asked why his credit card had been denied while trying to stay at a hotel? And why, when he called the company, did they tell him--that I told them--that he had died? Side note: Probably not a good idea to answer the phone when crying over the imagined death of your spouse. Additional side note: Trying to prove to a financial institution that someone never died is quite the hassle.

My husband arrived home that Saturday. When he walked through the door, we hugged. We cried, but couldn't speak. We sank, or maybe collapsed, onto the carpet, still hugging, still weeping. There was something in our embrace I'd never felt before. It was more than having missed him, more than the fearful thoughts of having lost him. It was the full force of our connection, of the bond we'd forged in our nine short years of marriage. I felt the power of our love transcend time and place and understood that marriage was more sacred than I'd ever imagined. People can debate the nature of marriage all they want, but if you ask me, what the world needs is for women and men to be united in love.

(Benjavisa Ruangvaree, Adobe Stock)

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"So your job is the one for which all others exist." ~ C.S. Lewis

(Marjorie Pless, 2013, Photo Credit: Tamara Passey)

Thinking of my mom today. Not because of a holiday, just realizing that she spent 35 years raising seven children, and then another 28 years talking with, caring about, praying for, and doing things for her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I know motherhood can mean different thigs to different people. For me, I am blessed every day by my mother's ability to feel joy because of her children, even when life was hard for her. Once she visited me when I had a toddler running around, and she said, "They're such a joy at this age!" It took me a while to understand she believed that about her kids at every age. She was able to find joy in her own life and in the lives of her children. Thinking of her, I remembered a quote by C.S. Lewis about the work of a mother. When I went searching for it, I found the entire quote in context. In Letters of C.S. Lewis, he expands the point before he makes it:

“I think I can understand that feeling about a housewife’s work being like that of Sisyphus (who was the stone rolling gentleman). But it is surely in reality the most important work in the world. What do ships, railways, miners, cars, government etc. exist for except that people may be fed, warmed, and safe in their own homes? As Dr. Johnson said, “To be happy at home is the end of all human endeavour”. (1st to be happy to prepare for being happy in our own real home hereafter: 2nd in the meantime to be happy in our houses.) We wage war in order to have peace, we work in order to have leisure, we produce food in order to eat it. So your job is the one for which all others exist…”

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“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” ~Mother Teresa

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Easier said than done? Maybe. But what are the building blocks of the world? Families. Peace is the fruit of love, and love grows in families. If it isn't planted and nourished in homes, between parents and children, between siblings and generations, the world has little hope for peace.

(Jenko Ataman, Adobe Stock)

Though loving others doesn't always feel peaceful, it is the process of loving, or what Dr. M. Scott Peck described as "extending oneself for the spiritual growth of another," that leads to their growth and ours.

Spiritual growth we cannot obtain in any other way is why the opportunity to love someone is a gift.

The world needs peace, and your family needs your love.

(artnizu, Adobe Stock)

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"Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to the country and to mankind is to bring up a family."

~ George Bernard

(Kopikoo, AdobeStock)

Most people accept that children need secure attachments--healthy, stable relationships with their parents, in order to develop socially, emotionally, and even physically. It was John Bowlby (1907-1990), a British doctor who was trying to understand the extreme distress children felt when separated from their caregivers, that offered us a better understanding of attachment theory. Yet, as a society, we still place great emphasis and importance on occupations and career goals. We admire ambition and success. Our lives can easily be centered on getting a job, a promotion, on getting ahead, getting a house--doing, getting, having, and showing--our worth and value. It's easy to miss what all that work in the world is actually for--bringing up the next generation. (See the previous quote by C.S. Lewis.)

My son was in the hospital after his liver transplant, and over the weeks of his recovery, I noticed another child who would often be with the nurses in a little red wagon. When I asked the social worker about him, she explained that even though he needed a transplant, he would likely never receive one. Why? Because he didn't have a dedicated caregiver. His parent had dropped him off at the hospital and said in effect, 'call me when he's better.' She further explained that after an organ transplant, a child was at risk for "transplant failure" without a dedicated caregiver. I knew parents abandoned their children in all kinds of circumstances, but the the phrase "dedicated caregiver" stayed with me. I don't think children need to be organ recipients to be at risk for all kinds of failure when their fathers and mothers do not do everything in their power to love and care for them. Let's support and encourage parents. Let's admire and emulate the best we see in the parents around us. Let's be dedicated caregivers to the children who depend on us to give them our best.

(Piotr, AdobeStock)

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“Remember that creating

a successful marriage is like farming:
You have to start over again every morning.”
~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

(Alex83m, AdobeStock)

Even if you haven't lived on a farm, you can understand what Mr. Brown is teaching us about the nature of marriage and what it takes to have a successful one. You could say he's referring to work, but he's also referring to the need for daily care and attention. Of course, the words "daily" and "work" can conjure up less-than-loving images, but I think his message has notes of hope. The fact that the marriage relationship isn't really done or finished, means that there is always a new day to practice and improve the way we express our love.

Another way to look at the daily opportunities in marriage is to consider what George Bernard Shaw had to say about his tailor:

“The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor: he took my measure anew every time he saw me, whilst all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me.”

Imagine giving our spouses that same courtesy? Each day we can see them "anew." We can allow room for them to grow and adjust our expectations according to who they are, not just who they have been. When we practice daily love in such a way, we are planting seeds that can yield a harvest of acceptance and trust.

"Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.” ~ Mother Teresa

(Alex83m, AdobeStock)

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(Максим Галінский, AdobeStock)

Walking out of one of our favorite Asian-food restaurants, my husband and I saw the quote they'd written on a sidewalk chalkboard:

"Marriage is like eating with chopsticks...it looks easy until you try it.”

~ Helen Rowland

We laughed, of course. Why? We'd been married over a decade by that point and we knew something about the deceptive easiness of relationships. But we also held our hands a little tighter and smiled.

We also knew that unlike the rewards of mastering the chopsticks, marriage could yield happiness and fulfillment, adventure and contentment.

Yes, it requires work and effort, but so do all the valuable and meaningful things in life.